From: Mary Ellen Curtin Date: Thursday, December 02, 1999 12:31 AM Fasten your seatbelts, make sure all seatbacks and tray tables are in their fully upright and locked position. I'm going to cover general issues only in this message. Those of you playing along at home should be aware that I'm looking at the entire story, not just the sections Das Entity has posted so far. 1. When is the story set? Clearly, after 4730, probably a good deal. You need to have at least a general clue, for a sense of how the characters are developing in their relationship and to make sure that the canon refs line up. For instance, K&S are sworn T'hy'la (what's the plural?), but S doesn't know about Tarsus. 2. We need more physical descrs and cues, especially of the scenes on the planet and the non-regulars. Jean, again, also Nuradeen, the guards, etc. For instance, when Sulu is attacked I automatically visualized a night sky and rainy city streets from Central Casting, so I was confused when it turned out to happen in daylight. I think. 3. Do I know about Jarweesh? Do I have a brain? That's as much as I can do tonight. Doctor Science, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Istannor made various changes, incorporated into the next draft] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Mary Ellen Curtin" More issues: I don't like the name Tracus, it's too much like Tarsus. Picky, picky. Sometimes the natives seem to be human, sometimes you call them "humanoid." I would assume, from the ease with which Nuradeen has integrated into the culture, that they are H. sap; in which case, what is their cultural background and how did he get there? If they are not H. sap, his presence becomes even harder to explain. Doctor Science, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/3/99: From: "Mary Ellen Curtin" Structure: 1 Su/U - stays 2 setup - stays 3 the fight - stays, needs more descr of Tracus 4 3 guys talk 5 K&S 6 the plot thickens; Areel 7 prison -- needs more descr 8 session 1 & father-in-law: this is where Nuradeen's relationship to his Tracus family becomes clear 9 Areel & S; Orions -- they should probably be descr; did you catch the ASCEM thread about "what color are male Orions?" The consensus seemed to be, orange. 10 session 2. I don't understand why K doesn't kill Nuradeen, too. Hm, "aftermath" says because he was wiped. Dunno . . . he's taken quite a licking in canon and kept on ticking. Do you mean it to have echoes of "Devil in the Dark"? because it does, and the effect (to me) is rather humorous 11 Spock; Jean; plot -- this section probably needs to be faster-moving 12 rescue. Need S or Mc's impressions of the compound 13 re-group; S&Areel 14 S&Uhura. Some of this repeats things Areel said. Also, does U really cry that much in canon? I think of her as the "I'm frightened" gal; when are there actual tears? 15 wakey-wakey. 16 A little technical, but *my* kind of technical. Now given that touch is not impaired, I don't see why it drives people insane. And it does open up possibilities for the most rampant (pun intended) sort of h/c, of course. Of course, neither of them will be feeling the least bit sexy, but my gutter mind calls for McCoy to prescribe some pretty heavy cuddling. Damn, where's that towel?;-P And why no mind-touch? yeah, yeah, for angst. But I don't quite see why Mc won't let S try a mind-touch, try to break through that way. 17 Uhura & Su -- she comes across as too gloopy. Understandable, but I think she maybe should cuss or something -- show a bit of steel. As it is, the tone here overlaps too much with the S & U scene in 14 18 Spock & Jean. V short as is, but I don't know if maybe it shouldn't be even shorter, so Spock's capture is more of a shock. 19 Spock's turn; McCoy & Jean. Spock's turn should maybe be longer -- tighter in to Nuradeen, maybe? More of a rant from him? Does he think S is a faggot? Then -- wo, what's Jean talking about? Did she just find out about X? Is this something you've been planning all along, you sneaky devil, or is this all Jean's idea? X may be making the overplot a bit too thick, or actually a bit too simple -- too much of the Doc Smith thing, forces of Good and Evil in their usual struggle. 20 Kirk takes charge. Good, I like the way this goes 21 the node. I don't see how Jean could have predicted this, or where X comes in -- maybe I'm just tired. But I think K should become more cold, less scenery-chewing. Admitedly, he does do it in canon, and I guess you want to evoke Mirror K -- but I've never found the scenery-chewing K believable or emotionally moving. It's the hard, super-controlled K that can make my blood run cold. But then, if he doesn't chew the scenery from time to time, is he Kirk? But if he *does*, is he scary? 22 Did this story really start with the hair? Say it ain't so -- though maybe you could use that to date it! I love the very ending. Damn, that's enough for tonight. Doctor Science, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Istannor@aol.com In a message dated 12/2/99 11:12:34 PM Central Standard Time, mecurtin@alumni.Princeton.EDU writes: << From: "Mary Ellen Curtin" Structure: 1 Su/U - stays -okay 2 setup - stays-Okay 3 the fight - stays, needs more descr of Tracus-Done and name changed to Bracos. 4 3 guys talk-Stays? 5 K&S- Good? 6 the plot thickens; Areel 7 prison -- needs more descr: Okay 8 session 1 & father-in-law: this is where Nuradeen's relationship to his Tracus family becomes clear 9 Areel & S; Orions -- they should probably be descr; did you catch the ASCEM thread about "what color are male Orions?" The consensus seemed to be, orange. "So, should I keep them Orange and smelly? 10 session 2. I don't understand why K doesn't kill Nuradeen, too. Hm, "aftermath" says because he was wiped. Dunno . . . he's taken quite a licking in canon and kept on ticking. Howse about he doesn't kill Nuradeen because he couldn't see him and the other guys touched Kirk to cause their death? Do you mean it to have echoes of "Devil in the Dark"? because it does, and the effect (to me) is rather humorous Huh? 11 Spock; Jean; plot -- this section probably needs to be faster-moving- Okay, but same impact? 12 rescue. Need S or Mc's impressions of the compound- Okay 13 re-group; S&Areel 14 S&Uhura. Some of this repeats things Areel said. Also, does U really cry that much in canon? I think of her as the "I'm frightened" gal; when are there actual tears? "I guess I see her that way and she gives off the I'm frightened cues. She is open about her feelings. It ain't bad, just is. But it would be more tears of anger in this case so I need to show that. 15 wakey-wakey. 16 A little technical, but *my* kind of technical. Now given that touch is not impaired, I don't see why it drives people insane. And it does open up possibilities for the most rampant (pun intended) sort of h/c, of course. Of course, neither of them will be feeling the least bit sexy, but my gutter mind calls for McCoy to prescribe some pretty heavy cuddling. Damn, where's that towel?;-P In the washing machine cause you used it already. And why no mind-touch? yeah, yeah, for angst. But I don't quite see why Mc won't let S try a mind-touch, try to break through that way. So you wanna let Spock try to meld? 17 Uhura & Su -- she comes across as too gloopy. Understandable, but I think she maybe should cuss or something -- show a bit of steel. As it is, the tone here overlaps too much with the S & U scene in 14 "I can do steel ,uh-huh. 18 Spock & Jean. V short as is, but I don't know if maybe it shouldn't be even shorter, so Spock's capture is more of a shock. But, what about trying to show his relationship with Jean? 19 Spock's turn; McCoy & Jean. Spock's turn should maybe be longer -- tighter in to Nuradeen, maybe? More of a rant from him? Does he think S is a faggot? I dunno, I think he just wants to kill him. So...you want me to torture Spock some more. Go get another Towel, ME. hee hee Then -- wo, what's Jean talking about? Did she just find out about X? Is this something you've been planning all along, you sneaky devil, or is this all Jean's idea? X may be making the overplot a bit too thick, or actually a bit too simple -- too much of the Doc Smith thing, forces of Good and Evil in their usual struggle. So keep it or toss it, what's an Entity to do? I like how it explains why Jean decides to play in this contest, since she will not always help them. 20 Kirk takes charge. Good, I like the way this goes 21 the node. I don't see how Jean could have predicted this, or where X comes in -- maybe I'm just tired. But I think K should become more cold, less scenery-chewing. Admitedly, he does do it in canon, and I guess you want to evoke Mirror K -- ( Yeah)but I've never found the scenery-chewing K believable or emotionally moving. It's the hard, super-controlled K that can make my blood run cold. But then, if he doesn't chew the scenery from time to time, is he Kirk? But if he *does*, is he scary? Hmm. let me rewrite it with him as a cold bastard and see which one we like better. 22 Did this story really start with the hair? Say it ain't so -- though maybe you could use that to date it! I love the very ending. Happy! Damn, that's enough for tonight. "G'night. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Mary Ellen Curtin" > 9 Areel & S; Orions -- they should probably be descr; did you > catch the ASCEM thread about "what color are male Orions?" > The consensus seemed to be, orange. "So, should I keep them Orange and >smelly? I think making them smell *bad* is a bit overobvious. Distinctive, instead -- and you know what they say about Orion slave girls (oogh). But we haven't seen the males in canon (except the animated series, which is marginal at best), so I don't actually have a picture in my mind of how they look: clothing, demeanor, voices, faces, etc. And while they show up in fanfic a lot, I don't have a clear picture of them there, either. Maybe we should ask the group if any of the profic has done the work, given you something to start with. > 10 session 2. I don't understand why K doesn't kill Nuradeen, too. > Hm, "aftermath" says because he was wiped. Dunno . . . he's > taken quite a licking in canon and kept on ticking. Howse about he doesn't >kill Nuradeen because he couldn't see him and the other guys touched Kirk to >cause their death? Touch=death is good. This whole power is problematic, unless it has some canon basis -- does it? As I've said before, if you're going to take K somewhere people aren't expecting, you have to ease them into it via canon. > Do you mean it to have echoes of "Devil in the Dark"? because it > does, and the effect (to me) is rather humorous Huh? "Pain!!" yelled in a strange voice. See what I mean? You have to be careful to render unto Kirk the things that are Kirk's, and unto Spock the things that are Spock's -- not hijack powers & lines from S to make K bigger. Couple more general ideas about structure: -- the goal of the story is the Node scene. Everything should tie into or reflect onto that. As it is, it comes a leetle from left field. Some things to think about: - How about making Nuradeen more like Mirror K? What I'm thinking is that when S says "You will not become him" we have to really feel how close K is. So we have to see more points of similarity between K & Nuradeen. Mebbe echoes of Nur's earlier rants in K's speech? Mebbe more people under Nur's command? - I don't know if we need Jean to show up at all. Maybe S will just remember something she has said about Nodes. No matter how you qualify it, she comes too close to being a dea ex machina; she should be saved for only the most special of occasions. - if Jean doesn't show, then we don't need X, which removes a lot of plot and megaplot problems. Yes, still have to break K out of his funk, but that could be done by other means. - Jean or no, mebbe you could play up the h/c by having S touching K (or visa versa) while he's in sickbay, giving him a sense of connectedness by running fingers over face, etc. All very clean and natural, S tells Mc, somehow forgetting to mention that for Vulcans this would count as foreplay (hee hee). If they have been in closer, more special contact in sickbay, K's reaction to S's capture seems less extreme, or less wacko -- we have to really feel in a gut way why K is going ballistic, even though S hasn't been tortured all that badly (as these things go). I'm going to talk about some megaplot issues in private email, to maintain some dramatic tension for the series as a whole. Doctor Science, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Istannor@aol.com In a message dated 12/3/99 4:07:03 PM Central Standard Time, mecurtin@alumni.Princeton.EDU writes: << I think making them smell *bad* is a bit overobvious. Distinctive, instead -- and you know what they say about Orion slave girls (oogh). But we haven't seen the males in canon (except the animated series, which is marginal at best), so I don't actually have a picture in my mind of how they look: clothing, demeanor, voices, faces, etc. And while they show up in fanfic a lot, I don't have a clear picture of them there, either. Maybe we should ask the group if any of the profic has done the work, given you something to start with. I wrote a Dear Sam with some Orions in it that I never posted. I can use that description and make them Orange > 10 session 2. I don't understand why K doesn't kill Nuradeen, too. > Hm, "aftermath" says because he was wiped. Dunno . . . he's > taken quite a licking in canon and kept on ticking. Howse about he doesn't >kill Nuradeen because he couldn't see him and the other guys touched Kirk to >cause their death? Touch=death is good. This whole power is problematic, unless it has some canon basis -- does it? As I've said before, if you're going to take K somewhere people aren't expecting, you have to ease them into it via canon. Ain't no clear way to ease them into this new territory at this point. I jumped ahead and at this point Spock knows. > Do you mean it to have echoes of "Devil in the Dark"? because it > does, and the effect (to me) is rather humorous Huh? "Pain!!" yelled in a strange voice. See what I mean? You have to be careful to render unto Kirk the things that are Kirk's, and unto Spock the things that are Spock's -- not hijack powers & lines from S to make K bigger. Only you would remember that. Consider it changed. I forgot that was the mindmeld scene. Couple more general ideas about structure: -- the goal of the story is the Node scene. Everything should tie into or reflect onto that. As it is, it comes a leetle from left field. Some things to think about: - How about making Nuradeen more like Mirror K? What I'm thinking is that when S says "You will not become him" we have to really feel how close K is. So we have to see more points of similarity between K & Nuradeen. Mebbe echoes of Nur's earlier rants in K's speech? Mebbe more people under Nur's command? Nope. They're too far apart in personality and power on a real level. Kirk would never be slapped by his Father-in-law. The best I can do is describe how Kirk is beginning to enjoy dealing pain. - I don't know if we need Jean to show up at all. Maybe S will just remember something she has said about Nodes. No matter how you qualify it, she comes too close to being a dea ex machina; she should be saved for only the most special of occasions. - if Jean doesn't show, then we don't need X, which removes a lot of plot and megaplot problems. Yes, still have to break K out of his funk, but that could be done by other means. I had a brainstorm cruising at 80. Howse about Sarek as the intercessor? I could play up the Father/Son fight and use Jean later. I have a way for him to bring Kirk out of it and his motivation to do so is obvious. But then Jean doesn't get to explain the node, unless she shows up after it is all over, hmmm. - Jean or no, mebbe you could play up the h/c by having S touching K (or visa versa) while he's in sickbay, giving him a sense of connectedness by running fingers over face, etc. All very clean and natural, S tells Mc, somehow forgetting to mention that for Vulcans this would count as foreplay (hee hee). If they have been in closer, more special contact in sickbay, K's reaction to S's capture seems less extreme, or less wacko -- we have to really feel in a gut way why K is going ballistic, even though S hasn't been tortured all that badly (as these things go). You just want more angst. More h/c, more PAINNNNNNN!!!!... Uh-huh, I can do that. ;-D ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Mary Ellen Curtin" The best I can do is describe >how Kirk is beginning to enjoy dealing pain. That's good. >I had a brainstorm cruising at 80. Howse about Sarek as the intercessor? I >could play up the Father/Son fight and use Jean later. I have a way for him >to bring Kirk out of it and his motivation to do so is obvious. V. good, go with it. But then Jean >doesn't get to explain the node, unless she shows up after it is all over, >hmmm. Or maybe she said something about node or nexus points to S before, and he remembers it -- about how S needs to be near K at all times, because it's too hard to predict when a node will arise, or flower, or whatever they say. This also reduces some of the psychohistorical improbabilities. >You just want more angst. More h/c, more PAINNNNNNN!!!!... who, me?!?;-D Uh-huh, I can do >that. ;-D Indeed. You should probably look at those classic stories, "Muldertorture", "Methostorture", and "Skinnertorture." http://dialspace.dial.pipex.com/town/drive/xsi35/funny.html Because you seem to have your own wing of the Dungeons of Fanfic for Kirktorture. Somewhere in those dusty corridors between Slash Division and Het Division, a golden man with hazel eyes blah blah and all mod cons is forced to undergo unspeakable torment: as Mulder says, "The pain, the degradation. The incredible, mind-blowing sex . . ." Doctor Science, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- go back and on to draft #2