Title: Dear Sam 19
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes: 
Summary: Kirk discusses his shoreleave with Bones.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Feedback to Istannor @Aol.com






Captain James T. Kirk
USS Enterprise NCC-1701
C/O Starfleet Operations
Earth Central

STARFLEET DIPLOMATIC COURIER, CODED SECURE
George Samuel Kirk Jr.
Bioagricultural Industries, Kirk Inc
Deneva Central
17 Junque St.
Deneva, UFP


Dear Sam,



Shoreleave is over and I slept with 7 women in three days.
No brag, just fact. My sperm count is probably zero now. I feel
more relaxed than I was before I went down there, but I still
can't break away from a mild case of the doldrums. My sex
partners seemed to have enjoyed themselves. I guess that
makes me happy. There was no one special, though.

I asked McCoy this question. Now, I'll ask you the same thing.
How does it feel to wake up with the same woman every
day? Does it get old? Do you get bored? Are you happy? Is
the life you and Aurelan have together enough for you? What
do you and Aurelan talk about late at night? I never got to see
our parents spend a lot of time together. You saw them
interact far more than I did. Do you think they really loved
each other? How could you tell?

After you left, sometimes Mom seemed so still and sad. I
tried to make her happy, but I never succeeded. I wasn't who
she was waiting for. Why would Dad marry her, and then
hardly ever come home?  Why didn't she try to join him on his
ship, or at least take us out to his sector? She was brilliant
enough to have had a science position on any Starship. How
did their marriage translate into love?

I think Grandpa's death was the final straw for our Mother.
Because, then I left for Tarsus and came back crazy. I
would've given almost anything to see her happy, barring that,
I'll have to content myself with never doing to another woman
what our father did to our mother.

You guys never wanted to call me crazy, but it was true, even
after therapy. I just learned to compensate. I know I was damn
near psychotic. I had seen too much, done too much to be
Jimmy anymore. I've been strange ever since then. It's a
wonder they let me command a ship. But, then I did
demonstrate all the abilities they wanted to see in a Starship
Captain: decisiveness, deadliness, strategic thinking, and
leadership. I guess deciding to let a murderer go free was a
small price to pay to get a Starship Captain.

Do you think I will ever be able to sustain a long term
relationship, or am I too driven and nuts for that?

Did you know  one of my nicknames is 'screw 'em and leave
'em Kirk'. I'll be just a fond memory for a lot of women. I want
them to say: "Damn, Kirk was the best lay I ever had." Now,
they should go get a real man and teach him what they want.
At least, they'll know how good sex can be after I'm through
with them.

As good as I am, it's better when you're in love.

Sam, sex never reaches true ecstasy anymore. Just the act
used to be enough, before. But now, no matter how beautiful
they are, how talented, how demonstrative, I don't love them.
I never shatter into little pieces. I want to have the kind of sex
that makes you want to holler and melt away.

Probably too much to ask, huh?

You love Aurelan; I know you do. Does that bridge the gap
and make the old new again, or do you just accept boring as
the norm?

I should be calmer after getting laid so completely these last
few days. It's flattering to have women line up for me to screw
them. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time. I loved the
variety. They were short, tall, thin, curvaceous, dark, gold,
pale, and in between. I picked one from each column. It's
just... as soon as I got back to the ship... and celibacy, it hit
me. All the great sex in the world, doesn't keep my bed warm
on the ship.

Damn.

Well, I did enjoy myself while it lasted. Life is good,  and I
couldn't have asked for better friends than McCoy and
Spock. I'm really good at what I do. I get to explore, save
lives,  and do the things that need doing. I have a future and I
know my purpose. That's more than a most folks can say. It
can be enough. Sometimes, I want a look at the other side,
but I'm a big enough coward to not crossover and stay.

Hmm, that's not quite true. It isn't cowardice that keeps me
single, it's women telling me no. They think they would take a
back seat to the Enterprise. They're probably right, at least
for now. But that wouldn't be forever. Shoot, I would've stayed
on Earth to raise David, if Carol had let me. I tried to get
married, twice. Got rejected... twice, three times if you count
the fact that Nyota said no twice. But, you know that already.
Carol and Nyota made me happy. I felt full when I was with
them. We screwed until we were raw, especially Nyota and I. I
was almost ready to pop the question to Nyota when she left
me. I did it anyway, but it was too late by then.

How's that for misreading the cues?

I think I could wake up beside Nyota every morning. She's still
wonderful, sexy, smart, and beautiful. Carol... well, except for
David, I'm glad she said no. She didn't trust me enough to tell
me she was pregnant. She was so sure I would leave one
day, she threw me out before I knew she was pregnant. Just
because her father was an asshole, it didn't follow that I
would've been one. So what if he was Starfleet? Not
everyone in the Fleet is abusive. I have never mistreated a
woman in my life, at least not while I was sane and intact. The
transporter incident doesn't count.

He used to beat her and  her mother, mercilessly, so she
signed off of men for all time. If I had of known that in the first
place, I would've stayed the hell away from her. Who knew
she'd have a son. I've been told she's a good mother. I've
begun to understand her reasons for lying about David. I
know she thinks I'm dangerous to be around. I understand her
reasoning, but I don't have to accept it. I've seen a lawyer
about him again. They say I still can't force her to test David
for paternity, and since she denies it, that's  that.

If he finds out eventually, do you think he will hate me and
think I left him? I started a trust fund for him and he gets gifts
on his birthday and Christmas from me. He just doesn't know
why I do it. He thinks I'm just trying to get cozy with his mother.
I know money and gifts are no substitute for parenting, Sam,
but I have no other options.

I have become my father.

I've requested leave again in two months.   I'll come to
Deneva to stay with you. Maybe Mom can come out from
Earth and we can have some family time together.

Sam, I'm trying to live in the moment and not dwell on the
future, your future. It's so hard. I write to you and I try not the
think about the fact that one day you'll be gone. I have to
admit that my mind goes numb.

All the sex in the galaxy can't make up for having a brother as
special and supportive as you've always been. We both know
I would've died in the barn after Tarsus if it hadn't been for
you. I still don't know what I was thinking.

Sometimes, I think I was just trying to make sure I was still
human. It sure was stupid going into a stall with a wild stallion.
He deserved to kick the mess out of me. I remember you
dragging me out, screaming at me and crying about what a
damn fool I was. Did you know that your tears... for me, are
what finally healed me after Tarsus? I realized if you cared
enough to cry for me, I couldn't be all bad.

I care enough, Sam. I just don't want to ever have to cry for
you. It will hurt too much to cry and once I start, I'm afraid I'll
never be able to stop.

Pause

Restart

Sorry, I had to clear my throat.

I don't think I know how to cry anymore. Does that make me
inhuman?

What are you going through now? How does this make you
feel? Can I do anything to help?

Gotta go, Spock just came in to play a game of Chess. I'm
going to wipe the deck with him. He's looking at me like I'm
nuts. I'll let you know how bad I whipped up on him in the next
letter.

Wait a minute, Spock wants to say something to you.

"Greetings, Samuel. Health and Prosperity to you and yours. I
will attempt to not harm your brother's ego too badly during
our contest."

Sam, it's me again. Who knew a Vulcan could talk trash? I
love it. I hope he eats it as well as he talks it.

Write soon and kiss your wife for me. Tell Peter the new
Ghidorah tape is on its way.  Lord knows the universe is
strange enough without making up three headed monsters
for kids to play with. Your son is one strange kid, just like his
father.

Love,

Jim

July 21, 1999 Page 4