Title: Doctor's Logs 28
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG 13]
Codes: It's McCoy; he curses.

Summary: McCoy talks about how he and his captain deal with
the death of a young crewwoman.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.


Doctor's Logs 28




Jim is in a snit.  He has been since Li Chu died.  He's not
mean or nasty, nothing like that.  He's refusing to... I
guess, play would be the most apropos phrase.  Jim has a
really good sense of humor.  The bridge is always so
comfortable when I go up there.


On my last ship I never went to the bridge unless my Captain
called me.  He was not a bad guy, actually a pretty nice
guy.  He was smart, brave, decisive, all the Captainly
traits you expect on a Starship, but we didn't get along; we
tolerated each other. He didn't appreciate my mouth; very
few military men do. I have never figured out why Jim
tolerates me.  I couldn't have sat on Sally's bridge for
hours and run my mouth with him like I do with Jim.


I love going to the bridge.  We talk about how the crew is
doing, or the mission ahead, or the mission past.  It helps
me keep my perspective on things.  Jim's take on events is
always different than mine.  He emphasizes strategies,
win/win and win/lose scenarios.  He goes over and over any
missed steps and explains what he could have done to prevent
them. How many people do you think would be willing to
discuss their missteps with their own crew?


Those are the times when our bridge crew really struts their
stuff.  Everybody jumps in with their own ideas and
strategies. Jim listens and points out the strengths and
weaknesses. They can question his decision, Spock's
decision, or anyone's, and throw their ideas around.  It is
fun, believe it or not. Everyone is in a good mood. Jokes
are flying, and the work is still getting done.  I'll sit up
there and just listen, or sometimes I'll throw in my two
credits.

Lately, it's quiet.  I think recent events are wearing my
friend down.  We don't have a psychiatrist on-board.  I'm
it.  I was trained in combat and deep space medicine and I'm
the CMO. That means I'm the therapist, the surgeon, and the
internist. M'Benga and I are the only full-time physicians
on-board. He has more training in gyne-urological,
plastics, head-neck surgery, alternative medicine,  and
neurosurgery than me. Most of my experience in that arena
was involuntary and necessary. Thank God for medical
simulators. They can train a physician in almost any new
technique, as long as there is a good knowledge base and
excellent hand-eye coordination to work with. I'm blessed
with good hands. My ex-wife used to tell me that a lot.

Sometimes we have a psychiatrist or psychologist hop a short
ride to give us the once over.  They stay a few days and go
on to the next base or ship.  So, the Captain's mental
health and emotional health are my responsibility; I feel
the weight.

I'm not sure what to do. Legalistically, my hands are tied
as the CMO. His function isn't impaired and he is entirely
appropriate. But, as his friend, I can see him hurting and I
want to help. I remember when my previous commander lost an
engagement or had a casualty.  Captain Sally used to bark at
everyone for a few days; then he was through.  He went on
with his life. My old crew called him Sally forth, because
nothing stopped the charge ahead.

I know Jim will get past this. His quiet has more of an
effect on this ship then Sally's anger.  Sometimes, I wish
he would just scream or get mad. At least that's something
to grab hold of and confront.  Quiet is slippery; there's no
defense against it.  You can't even get angry at quiet.  It
repels everything you throw at it.

The crew watches him and takes their cues from him. A brave
few will ask me how he is doing. Maybe Jim thinks the crew
doesn't notice because he's quiet when something bothers
him. They notice and they worry. A distracted or sad Captain
can get us all killed. Not only do they notice, in a strange
way, Jim's quiet makes the crew happy. Giotto, head of
security, said it best. When a crewmember dies and everyone
sees that Kirk cares and mourns the loss, they know he is
not throwing their lives away. I guess that's really
important to Security, since Redshirts are so often the
first ones to die.

Spock hovers when Jim gets quiet.  He doesn't say anything;
he doesn't try to get Jim out of it; he just hangs around
like a second skin.  Whenever Jim finally goes to eat, Spock
is there.  Spock walks the ship with Jim at night.  Spock
sits with Jim and waits for him to get past it.  I try to
fix Jim and he just looks at me and tells me he's okay.

Recently, I even tried to get Jim to tell me about Cousin
Jean and Sam after his first aborted attempt in his cabin.
It wasn't a good time to try before.  We had just sat down
to talk and we got called to rescue the ship full of
tourists. This time he told me, 'not yet.' Since then, I'm
reluctant to put any other burdens on him. I know that
doesn't make sense, but I feel a need to protect him right
through here. I think he's afraid we won't want to still be
friends with him, or want to serve on the ship after we know
the whole story. There's no reason for him to worry.  He's
the best friend I've ever had.  I'm not going anywhere; I
don't think Spock can be budged either.  From  what I know
of that pointy-eared enigma, this is the closest he has let
anyone get to him.

I talked to Mark Piper a few weeks ago.  He's enjoying his
retirement.  He plays with his grandchildren and still
dabbles a little with a few favorite patients.  His wife
died 10 years ago and he doesn't want to remarry.

I am rambling, aren't I?

Piper told me Spock had no friends and no close associates
on the Enterprise before Kirk.  Spock never went on
Shoreleave with anyone, and he definitely never played chess
or any games with anyone, at least, as far as Piper knew. He
knew Spock respected his Captain, but they were not friends.
The hot pair was No. 1 and Captain Pike.  There was no way
for Spock to work his way into that relationship.  Spock
didn't have the skills, or the inclination.

I know Li Chu's death wasn't my fault.  I still hate death;
I hated losing her to death.  Me and the grim reaper have
been at odds for years.

We will be dropping the passengers off at the nearest
Starbase and then it's back out into the breach.  It has
been fun having the kids on-board.  At least everyone is
smiling once they get off the bridge.  You should see Jim
with them.  That's the only time he smiles lately, when the
kids are running along after him.

Uhura told me he took all the children to the observation
deck and made a smokeless campfire to tell stories around.
She said it was more than magical

He'll be okay.  I'll be okay.  Life goes on.  Knowing Jim,
he'll apologize for going distant on us, and the next day he
will short sheet my bed.

They already gave us our next assignment.  Prof. John Gill
went missing on some backwater planet he was sent to
observe.  The man is pretty famous.  He developed a psycho-
history paradigm that purports to be able to form
civilizations along specific lines.  It's a pretty heady
concept.  With his theory, you can supposedly shape a world
into whatever culture you want.

He went to some out of away planet to observe a more
primitive culture and gather more data.  He can't touch,
only look.  Anyway, no one has heard from him in a while and
we're supposed to go check up on him.  Yeah.

Jim is pretty enthusiastic about the mission and that's a
bright spot.  Gill was one of his professors at the academy.
It sounds like they talked a lot and Jim looked up to him in
those days.

I hope the guy is all right.  We need something peaceful and
happy, for a change.

Well, it's time for sick call and it's my turn.  M'Benga is
laying around the pool even as I speak.  I wonder what the
crew will bring me today.

END LOG